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26 June 2014 @ 02:55 pm
I'm used to them being mean and conveniently "forgetful". I know what to do when they try to groom, manipulate, browbeat, guilt, and threaten me into the role of the ideal scapegoat. But I don't know what to do when they act (key word "act") reasonable.

Mom shed her convenient forgetfulness and decided she owes me $10,000 for the money I've shelled out in the last 15 years on her behalf, directly or indirectly. This is the same dollar amount she threatened me back in May, saying stuff like taking me to court and that it would cost ME $10,000 to fight her. I knew her taking-me-to-court threats were just bluffs so I didn't take her seriously. So after her grooming, manipulating, browbeating, guilting, and threatening failed, she's moved on to sounding nice and reasonable. It's not the first time, nor the last, and it won't last long before she's right back to step one, grooming.

Next week when I go to check on CeCee, Mom plans to present me with a check for $10,000. Half of me wants to say "no" and turn her down. Part of me is thinking how much that money would help even though I'm in no need of the money. I have 3 days to think if I'm going to accept or decline.

I listened to a podcast about Narcissistic mother "She effectively portrayed herself as always rendered exhausted by providing for her children. Friends, family, and neighbors are prompted to feel sympathy for her as apparent victim of selfless devotion to the undisciplined child. In reality she is who is emotional undisciplined in her insatiable thirst for attention and adulation from her children."

Once when I asked her what does she want from people, she immediately said, "Their sympathy". I was designated her scapegoat, the designated "stupid child" no matter how hard she tried to help me (so she tells everybody), grooming me to be her garbage can to dump all her own flaws into. I don't know how but I knew as a kid that all the things she accused me of she was actually talking about herself. It's not that I knew-knew on an intellectual level, but it was more of a sense, an instinctual feeling. I knew enough that she didn't know me enough to be right in her accusations of me.

I still don't know if I'm should accept her check.
10 May 2014 @ 10:52 pm
Mom bit Bree today. I couldn't believe it. Mom wouldn't let go of Bree's arm and when Bree pulled her arm away, Mom bit her and broke her skin. I wanted to grab Mom and drag her away from but I instinctively knew that's exactly what she wanted, a physical confrontation. Instead I took pictures and Mom immediately released Bree and screamed that she's taking me to court. Over what? I still couldn't believe that Mom bit Bree, I fucking can't believe it.

Bree told her young teenage children what happened without criticism or bashing, just transparency. By now her kids are used to "crazy" grandma and my 13 years old niece said, "She's more childish than me".

I don't know what's going to happen next and I can't predict it. 5 more days and Mom leaves town.
06 May 2014 @ 11:02 am
Mom is on the blitz attack and leaving me voicemails gloating that I'm "weak" and "going to have many trouble because you're weak" and her plans to get herself evicted and wreck my credit score because I'm the guarantor on her lease even though on voice mail #1 she said I'm not the guarantor and therefore I should stay out of her business. Typical mom, contradicts herself five minutes between storytelling. She thinks her son-in-law (the one she bashed relentless just 6 years earlier) is on her side and she proclaimed in the voicemails, "my son in law is better than my daughter, he's better than you!" I'm googling how to archive voicemails from the iPhone to my computer.

Mom thinks she's moving here, well, I can't stop her (and I can't stop her from getting herself evicted) and she's telling everything she's moving here because she's "needed". Except she expects me and my sister to do all work finding an apartment for her. Hell no. Bree said she has to do that on her own, and when her clueless husband makes a list of how to help Mom find an apartment, Bree says, "That's nice but I'm not getting involved." BiL has enough sense of self preservation that maybe he won't help Mom get what she wants.

So Mom can break the lease/get herself evicted and ruin my credit score if she like, but she's the one who has to get herself half way across the county to live near me and Bree. Once she realize Bree isn't going to help her, Mom will probably stay put until her lease legitimately runs out.
23 March 2014 @ 07:57 pm
I've been on edge, like I'm on a razor of shredded psyche. It's March and the annual return of thief is upon me. It felt worse this time, but maybe because I've been doing pretty good for awhile so the hit of sadness, depression, and anxiety feels worseL than usual. Last week when I talked to Mom and she screamed at me, I felt nothing. When she screamed, "You're not on my side!", I felt nothing as I thought about the years of neglect from her to being her counselor, maid, emotional chew toy, and scapegoat. I felt nothing when I retorted back to her, "I've always been on your side. But you never been on my side." She was silent before turning to another diversion tactic. For the next few days I was fine, after all what she said I've heard before since I was a kid, and I've learn to accept my instinct that I was never my Mom's priority. Then the last few days, my inside is turned inside out and my heart stuck in my throat and all I want to do is cry. What was happening? March is the thief and Mom had confirm with her silence what I always knew, that she was never on my side.

Today I realized today all of my talkback to Mom have been to shut down her conversation of me-me-me, and even then my shutdown was still about her. "You were never on my side" was the first time I confronted her, I didn't know I did this until today. I've defended myself to her but I've never outright told her that she failed at being a mother to me. Could this be why I feel like I'm having a panic attack? Why I want to cry all the time? Yet I can't cry, it won't come out and I'm stuck feeling shitty. I've called my therapist for an appointment.
20 March 2014 @ 02:41 pm

Temper tantrums are manipulation attempts. In children we generally recognize temper tantrums for what they are, but I find in adults we are less likely to recognize them and believe the throwers of temper tantrums have legitimate issues that cause them to lose their shit.

It took me a hella long time to realize that Mom’s angers were manufactured with the intent to distract, displace, and distort. Mom refuses to reimburse the property manager, Amber, for the bed bug extermination fee of $140. I checked the ledger and then told Mom that she owes Amber the $140. Mom screamed at me demanding to know when I talked to Amber, when Amber called me, what day, how many times, and so on which none has to do with the ledger. I answered some and then stop myself and brought the “conversation” back to the ledger. Mom continue to scream demanding the when, where, how many times Amber talked to me and again I said that’s not the point and that the ledger is correct. Next Mom screamed “Everybody said I’m right!” Fine, have your lawyer draw up a letter. Next Mom screamed that the maintenance man agreed with her that she doesn’t have to pay. Fine, have him write a letter but the ledger is still correct. Next Mom screamed “You’re not on my side!” With that I retort with, “I was always on your side but you were never on my side.” Silence. “Mom, the ledger is correct, you have to pay or else the management will starting charging you late fees”. Mom screamed some more before hanging up.
It occurred to me that Mom must have done this all her life to others to get her way, and it worked so why should she change? This is a bit of a shock for poor Amber who until now thought Mom was a sweet little old lady, until Mom did get her way. I’ve been apologizing to Amber that she doesn’t deserve any of Mom’s crap and if Mom abuse her again to tell her the 2 magic words, “Call Enilina.”

I knew I did the right thing in getting legal guardianship of CeCee because no way could Mom not abuse the staffs and then the agency drop CeCee from their services. I’ve seen this happen to a down syndrome woman because her mother treated the caregivers like personal servants.

I think I’ve reached a point that I’m over my resentment of my failure to force fit CeCee into my ideal of being in the normal world for her. It took me over a year to find that new normal for myself when it comes to CeCee and the next time I visit her I think I’ll be kinder.
26 February 2014 @ 08:36 am
The last time I was wandering around the hallway at 3:00 in the morning I bitched and cried that I want a mommy, not a soul sucking narcissistic parasite. When it isn't insomia it's old familiar nightmares; the neglected aquarium that belonged to my dad but I took on as my responsibility, my mom trying to covet my friend because she has none of her own. All in the last week. Last night the insomia was bad and I want to scream and scream and scream. For the past 2 years I still haven't carved out a new routine or relationship with CeCee now that I've given up on my idea of normal for her. But I haven't figure out what is my new normal for CeCee, she's not going to tell me obviously. She can't even give a straight "yes" or "no" answer, she only answer what she thinks you want her to answer. Nobody in this god damn family gives a straight answer, not even the autistic. Bree and I are trying to be honest with eachother. I will lie for no reason, it feels pathological. Bree asked me what I did this past weekend and I said I went to the movies with friends when I actually went to dinner with friends.

There is no reason for me to lie but I do. I steer conversation away from my favorites to other subjects that doesn't interest me because I feel that by revealing what is my favorite then I'm revealing opportunities for others to make fun of me. When Philip Hoffman died, Bree mentioned to me that an actor tweeted calling Hoffman's OD a stupid and senseless death, which she agreed. I told her the actor is from the show Supernatural and immediately I talked about another actor, LeVar of Star Trek, who tweeted that if he died like Hoffman did, please put on his pants. Kinda of insensitive but I admit I laughed, and so did Bree. The thing is that I didn't want Bree to know I'm a fan of the Supernatural actor, but why? Bree thought his tweet was right but I steered the conversation to another actor that I don't particularly care about. Bree never made fun of me, our mom did though and sometimes I wonder if subconsciously I view Bree as Mom's extension because Mom latched onto her so hard for the first 18 years.

March is coming and with it the annual thief. Maybe it's time to see my therapist again.
02 January 2014 @ 10:45 am
Lately I've been privatizing alot of my journal entries, as I'm not real proud of my icky thoughts and feelings. When I read back my non-private entries, I realized it's been more of the same, my round and round of anger at my mom and brother-in-law and general giving up on my autistic sister and stopped engaging with her, though I have not stop caring and providing for her.

In my lowest of low days I feel that CeCee is a parasite, always taking and never reciprocating. But because of her disability, she is "allowed" to be selfish and self centered. I've always thought this is what my mom and dad envied, that they want o be selfish and self centered without consequences and instead receive endless bounty of servitude, admiration, and love.

I've wallowed in this long enough. Here to 2014 of positive changes in myself.
28 March 2013 @ 09:23 am
I once asked my mom what does she want from other people, she answered, "Their sympathy".

What started this conversation was we just finished watching Beautiful Mind where John Nash explained that he applies "diet of the mind" when managing his schizophrenia. Though he desires a relationship with the imaginary friends because they fulfill a need, John can't if he wants to live and function in the real world.  The hallucination (metaphor for schizophrenia) never goes away but he manages his illness by refusing to indulge or succumb to some of his desires and wants in order to obtain the greater desire and wants to function in the real world and have connections with real people.

Mom completely missed the point of "diet of the mind" and said what a good idea it is and she should do it too.  So I asked her what does she want from people. "Their sympathy".  I then told her that to get sympathy from people she will have to STOP ambushing them (friends and strangers) with her endless litany of woe-is-me-I'm-a-victim stories. That is her diet of the mind; stop indulging in her self-victimization in exchange for honest relationship with people.  Then she will get concerns and sympathies out of true compassion instead of guilt and obligations for her manufactured crisis of the week.  Needless to say Mom never brought the "diet of the mind" again.

Oprah once said (oh stop laughing at me) that normal people hate to be pitied, but abnormal people, including sociopaths, love love LOVE to be pitied because in their mindset it means there is no accountability because they are the victim and it's not their fault and therefore they do not have to change or improve themselves; it's everybody else who has to change. Mom's short term goal is to use sympathy to get attention and the end goal is to use sympathy to the point where people take care of her and cater to her wants.
Current Mood: blahblah
08 January 2013 @ 11:30 am

CeCee spent her annual 2 week Christmas vacation with me as she’s done for the last 15 years.  For the first time I gave up on her.  I gave up force fitting her into the normal world of museums, art galleries, restaurants, sporting events, theaters, malls, and parties that she has absolutely no interest in.  I gave up forcing her to speak in complete sentences and so by default I stopped talking to her.  I gave up treating her like a person possessing a normal brain that wants to be part of the normal world.  Instead I allowed her to do what she wants to do, such as speaking in one-word bursts when she wants something (“Eggs!” for breakfast, “Ribs!” for lunch, “Cake!” for all the time, “Laundry” for Tuesdays), browsing the grocery stores for an hour to inspect colorful packaging, listening to musicians performing holiday services, and sitting in her favorite chair entertaining herself with her own thoughts.

CeCee is 40 years old now, after 40 years CeCee has outlasted all of our combined 60 years efforts to pull, push, and drag her into the normal world.  The efforts did pay off though, CeCee knows proper expected behavior and by all accounts she is one of the easiest person to work with for social workers.  I believe I was the main force in that one because I refused to allow her to be violent simply because she’s autistic and therefore somehow exempt from normal rules of consequences.  Mom and Dad were absolutely useless in that area, it was perfectly okay by them that an out-of-control mentally disabled person beat, try to drown, push down the stairs, and beat some more out of her baby sister

They offered me no protection from CeCee and continue to force me to share a bedroom with her “because she needs socialization” even though CeCee’s definition of socialization is to go over to my bed while I’m asleep, grab my hair, pull me out of bed, drag me from our room, and throw me down the stairs.  Mom and Dad forced me to take CeCee with me when I visited friends “because she needs socialization” even though my friends were terrified of her and for very good reasons, she took every opportunity to knock them down onto the concrete sidewalks and punch them repeatedly in the head.  Even the troublesome teenage boys kept out of her way.  A lot of angry parents went after Mom and Dad over CeCee’s actions but Mom/Dad ready excuses were, “They’re racist! They’re ignorant and do not understanding autism!” And, “They’re racist!”

At 8 years old I decided that I was going to hit CeCee back.  It was then I discovered that while CeCee was great at attacking, she had no concept of defending herself.  She never defended herself and I almost felt guilty for defending myself by stopping her attacks by landing single strong blow to her body.  I felt guilty, again and again I felt guilty for stopping her attacks until she stopped attacking me all together five years later.  But it will be another 10 years before CeCee stopped attacking people smaller than her and even then she watches, testing the boundaries to see if the new staff is a vulnerable target.

I looked at CeCee and said, “If you weren’t autistic would you be a sociopath or a psychopath?  Because it seems that your default setting is to attack and beat people if you can get away with it.  What is the appeal of attacking people?”  CeCee, as usual, is silent.  A high functioning non-verbal autistic who is my sister in name only.  We don’t have a sisterly relationship; our relationship is that of a caretaker and receiver.  I sometimes wondered if God made CeCee autistic so that she would be put under surveillance and control by me because if her true nature is sociopathic or psychopathic then it might be the U.S Marshals who have to take her down after she inflicted serious damage to society.

If Mom has permission from a governmental authority (say, Nazi party or the Red Guards), she would unhesitantly commit a wide swath of murders, maybe indirectly but nonetheless unhesitant in her involvement.  Bree agreed with me on this scenario, one of the few things we agree on.  Mom has no interest in museums, art galleries, restaurants, sporting events, theaters, malls, or parties.  Mom’s favorite activity seem to center on sitting in her favorite chair and entertain herself with her own thoughts, very much what CeCee did during the 2 weeks she stayed with me because I gave up force fitting her into the normal world.

Hurricane Sandy knocked out power to my sister's farm at 8:30.  Bree texted me that her husband tried to start the generator but he was drunk so not surprisingly he failed.  His solution?  Call his mother to bitch about it.  Yeah, because complaining about it will automatically start the generator.  It's magic!

10:30 I get a call from an unidentified caller.  It's from my city so I answered it in case it's from a power-deprived friend seeking shelter.  Instead it was BiL.  He never called me before so I was shocked and then worried that something happened.  No, apparently after he was done bitching and complaining to his mother (and probably called his sister too) he calls me.  He asked me to tell my sister to help him around the winery and the house more often.  I was quiet, unsure what the right answer is supposed to be.  BiL blathered on that he LOVES my sister from the BOTTOM OF HIS HEART and he LOVES my sister IN HIS SOUL!  This type of phone calls is known as FEELINGBOMBS.  He goes to say how he does all the laundry and cooking and he DOES EVERYTHING.  Finally I told him to go to couples counseling with his wife.  BiL brilliant response is that they just need to communicate better with eachother.  Huh-uh, so would "communicate better" include his yelling, cussing, drinking, and more yelling?  I didn't say the last sentence out loud and instead reiterate that counseling would help with the communication issue.  I said over and over again that I will support my sister but I will NOT tell her what to do, I am here and there to support my sister.  Finally BIL stopped and asked me what I would like for him to cook for me the next time I'm at the farm/winery to help.

For the last three weeks me and Bree's friends have descended on their home to clean out and organize the house (BiL is a low spectrum hoarder).  It won't solve the problems in their marriage but at least it takes some stress away from them and their kids.  I vividly remember as a child how I wished adults would sweep in and take care of my dad and mom (and the house by default) because they seem to require vast amount of care, given their mass amount of "Woe is me, I need help!" pity parties.  The parentification of children is abusive, I know that now, but at the time it didn't seem abusive because I felt I was "helping" my parents, hence I was being relevant to their lives. 

Most abusive people don't see themselves as abusive, but as beleaguered heroes with ungrateful family members who failed to anticipate their unspoken needs five minutes ahead of time.  BiL have complained, sometimes loudly, that he isn't getting enough help around the winery and the house.  Hence his drunk call to me to tell my sister to help him around the winery and house more often.  I think Bree's apathy toward her house is her rebellion to her husband's type AAA personality's demands.