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12 March 2016 @ 06:40 pm
1. Cooking rice. Which is the Chinese equivalent of American mac and cheese. Geez mom, thanks nothing about me as a person or my personal accomplishments in life. I have 2 college degrees, painted murals, nursed red tails hawks back to life, taught natural science to 6th graders, worked as a ranger in the west. She has never been able to admit any of my successes...oh, but cooking rice! It is of course her way of saying I can't do anything good except for...

2. Taking good care of her. Apparently she bragged to her relatives that I was taking good care of her. So I'm pretty sure she hasn't told them I've ditched her since 2009. Or she probably has and conveniently blamed my sister for my defection.
12 March 2016 @ 05:21 pm
9 Angry Martyr Signs (ANIMATION) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtWn7XrsKyk

Not all narcissistic mothers are easy to identify. Sometimes it happens that their expression of narcissism is a smothering kind of 'love'. While it may appear on the surface that the angry martyr is devoted to you, her seeming self-sacrifice comes with strings attached. Like all narcissistic mothers, she explodes into narcissistic rage if her child (supply) does not do as she dictates.

It can be very hard for some ACONs to regard their angry martyr mother with an objective eye. They may make justifications or excuses for her abusive behaviour. For those ACONs who are not informed about what constitutes emotional abuse, they are likely to still be in denial about their parental relationship, mistaking what is essentially a complete absence of boundaries between parent and child as 'love' and closeness.

What makes angry martyrs particularly toxic is their covert use of emotional manipulation tactics such as guilt trips and silent treatment in order to get their way and exercise their control over the child. In this way the angry martyr positions herself/himself as victim, and if the child is made to feel bad for being independent. At the extreme end of the scale, the angry martyr is so enmeshed with the child that the child becomes the emotional caretaker of the parent. The enmeshed ACON is smothered to the extent they have no remaining will of their own to break free.
11 March 2016 @ 11:54 am
March has always been a hard month for me. I've learned that March is just kind of a hard month for a lot of people even when it's not a sad anniversary for them like it is for me. People who muscled through the long dark winter months suddenly find themselves unable to cope in the warming brighter days. Sometimes for animals spring is the the limbo between winter's desert and the bountiful summer and though they survived winter, they don't have enough reserve to survive spring to wait for the return of their food, so they perish, like how some healthy 1st world people perish.

I was watching Jared's one year AKF anniversary video and he said that a year ago he was on the down side of a downward slope. 2015 would be the happiest of Jared's 33 years, it would also be his lowest. I was struck, though, how March for him was also hard and he was sliding down toward the lows of his whole life. When I saw Jared last summer, he had recovered from his lowest low and appeared healthy and happy, which made me happy for him and also gave me hope.

It's March and the annual return of thief return to me again. Last year it wasn't as bad, though it was still tough, so this time it feels very bad, hit with sadness, depression, anxiety, and anger. Lots of simmering anger. Last week for the first time in several months, Mom left a message offering a free vacation with her to Cancun. I thought about returning her call just to say thanks but no thanks. But I never called her. I revisited "what she owes us" where I calculated the cost of her negligence and abuse. By my conservative estimates, she spent at least one hour a day venting and using use her her personal therapist and emotional punching bag. The standard therapy rate is $150 per hour. So at 365 days a year at $54,750 a year for 18 years, she owes Bree and I $1 million dollars.

Funny how this alleviate some of my ridiculous guilt over the $6,000 she reimbursed me for the 1/2 year of rent I paid on my house that she lived in.
26 June 2014 @ 02:55 pm
I'm used to them being mean and conveniently "forgetful". I know what to do when they try to groom, manipulate, browbeat, guilt, and threaten me into the role of the ideal scapegoat. But I don't know what to do when they act (key word "act") reasonable.

Mom shed her convenient forgetfulness and decided she owes me $10,000 for the money I've shelled out in the last 15 years on her behalf, directly or indirectly. This is the same dollar amount she threatened me back in May, saying stuff like taking me to court and that it would cost ME $10,000 to fight her. I knew her taking-me-to-court threats were just bluffs so I didn't take her seriously. So after her grooming, manipulating, browbeating, guilting, and threatening failed, she's moved on to sounding nice and reasonable. It's not the first time, nor the last, and it won't last long before she's right back to step one, grooming.

Next week when I go to check on CeCee, Mom plans to present me with a check for $10,000. Half of me wants to say "no" and turn her down. Part of me is thinking how much that money would help even though I'm in no need of the money. I have 3 days to think if I'm going to accept or decline.

I listened to a podcast about Narcissistic mother "She effectively portrayed herself as always rendered exhausted by providing for her children. Friends, family, and neighbors are prompted to feel sympathy for her as apparent victim of selfless devotion to the undisciplined child. In reality she is who is emotional undisciplined in her insatiable thirst for attention and adulation from her children."

Once when I asked her what does she want from people, she immediately said, "Their sympathy". I was designated her scapegoat, the designated "stupid child" no matter how hard she tried to help me (so she tells everybody), grooming me to be her garbage can to dump all her own flaws into. I don't know how but I knew as a kid that all the things she accused me of she was actually talking about herself. It's not that I knew-knew on an intellectual level, but it was more of a sense, an instinctual feeling. I knew enough that she didn't know me enough to be right in her accusations of me.

I still don't know if I'm should accept her check.
10 May 2014 @ 10:52 pm
Mom bit Bree today. I couldn't believe it. Mom wouldn't let go of Bree's arm and when Bree pulled her arm away, Mom bit her and broke her skin. I wanted to grab Mom and drag her away from but I instinctively knew that's exactly what she wanted, a physical confrontation. Instead I took pictures and Mom immediately released Bree and screamed that she's taking me to court. Over what? I still couldn't believe that Mom bit Bree, I fucking can't believe it.

Bree told her young teenage children what happened without criticism or bashing, just transparency. By now her kids are used to "crazy" grandma and my 13 years old niece said, "She's more childish than me".

I don't know what's going to happen next and I can't predict it. 5 more days and Mom leaves town.
06 May 2014 @ 11:02 am
Mom is on the blitz attack and leaving me voicemails gloating that I'm "weak" and "going to have many trouble because you're weak" and her plans to get herself evicted and wreck my credit score because I'm the guarantor on her lease even though on voice mail #1 she said I'm not the guarantor and therefore I should stay out of her business. Typical mom, contradicts herself five minutes between storytelling. She thinks her son-in-law (the one she bashed relentless just 6 years earlier) is on her side and she proclaimed in the voicemails, "my son in law is better than my daughter, he's better than you!" I'm googling how to archive voicemails from the iPhone to my computer.

Mom thinks she's moving here, well, I can't stop her (and I can't stop her from getting herself evicted) and she's telling everything she's moving here because she's "needed". Except she expects me and my sister to do all work finding an apartment for her. Hell no. Bree said she has to do that on her own, and when her clueless husband makes a list of how to help Mom find an apartment, Bree says, "That's nice but I'm not getting involved." BiL has enough sense of self preservation that maybe he won't help Mom get what she wants.

So Mom can break the lease/get herself evicted and ruin my credit score if she like, but she's the one who has to get herself half way across the county to live near me and Bree. Once she realize Bree isn't going to help her, Mom will probably stay put until her lease legitimately runs out.
23 March 2014 @ 07:57 pm
I've been on edge, like I'm on a razor of shredded psyche. It's March and the annual return of thief is upon me. It felt worse this time, but maybe because I've been doing pretty good for awhile so the hit of sadness, depression, and anxiety feels worseL than usual. Last week when I talked to Mom and she screamed at me, I felt nothing. When she screamed, "You're not on my side!", I felt nothing as I thought about the years of neglect from her to being her counselor, maid, emotional chew toy, and scapegoat. I felt nothing when I retorted back to her, "I've always been on your side. But you never been on my side." She was silent before turning to another diversion tactic. For the next few days I was fine, after all what she said I've heard before since I was a kid, and I've learn to accept my instinct that I was never my Mom's priority. Then the last few days, my inside is turned inside out and my heart stuck in my throat and all I want to do is cry. What was happening? March is the thief and Mom had confirm with her silence what I always knew, that she was never on my side.

Today I realized today all of my talkback to Mom have been to shut down her conversation of me-me-me, and even then my shutdown was still about her. "You were never on my side" was the first time I confronted her, I didn't know I did this until today. I've defended myself to her but I've never outright told her that she failed at being a mother to me. Could this be why I feel like I'm having a panic attack? Why I want to cry all the time? Yet I can't cry, it won't come out and I'm stuck feeling shitty. I've called my therapist for an appointment.
20 March 2014 @ 02:41 pm

Temper tantrums are manipulation attempts. In children we generally recognize temper tantrums for what they are, but I find in adults we are less likely to recognize them and believe the throwers of temper tantrums have legitimate issues that cause them to lose their shit.

It took me a hella long time to realize that Mom’s angers were manufactured with the intent to distract, displace, and distort. Mom refuses to reimburse the property manager, Amber, for the bed bug extermination fee of $140. I checked the ledger and then told Mom that she owes Amber the $140. Mom screamed at me demanding to know when I talked to Amber, when Amber called me, what day, how many times, and so on which none has to do with the ledger. I answered some and then stop myself and brought the “conversation” back to the ledger. Mom continue to scream demanding the when, where, how many times Amber talked to me and again I said that’s not the point and that the ledger is correct. Next Mom screamed “Everybody said I’m right!” Fine, have your lawyer draw up a letter. Next Mom screamed that the maintenance man agreed with her that she doesn’t have to pay. Fine, have him write a letter but the ledger is still correct. Next Mom screamed “You’re not on my side!” With that I retort with, “I was always on your side but you were never on my side.” Silence. “Mom, the ledger is correct, you have to pay or else the management will starting charging you late fees”. Mom screamed some more before hanging up.
It occurred to me that Mom must have done this all her life to others to get her way, and it worked so why should she change? This is a bit of a shock for poor Amber who until now thought Mom was a sweet little old lady, until Mom did get her way. I’ve been apologizing to Amber that she doesn’t deserve any of Mom’s crap and if Mom abuse her again to tell her the 2 magic words, “Call Enilina.”

I knew I did the right thing in getting legal guardianship of CeCee because no way could Mom not abuse the staffs and then the agency drop CeCee from their services. I’ve seen this happen to a down syndrome woman because her mother treated the caregivers like personal servants.

I think I’ve reached a point that I’m over my resentment of my failure to force fit CeCee into my ideal of being in the normal world for her. It took me over a year to find that new normal for myself when it comes to CeCee and the next time I visit her I think I’ll be kinder.
26 February 2014 @ 08:36 am
The last time I was wandering around the hallway at 3:00 in the morning I bitched and cried that I want a mommy, not a soul sucking narcissistic parasite. When it isn't insomia it's old familiar nightmares; the neglected aquarium that belonged to my dad but I took on as my responsibility, my mom trying to covet my friend because she has none of her own. All in the last week. Last night the insomia was bad and I want to scream and scream and scream. For the past 2 years I still haven't carved out a new routine or relationship with CeCee now that I've given up on my idea of normal for her. But I haven't figure out what is my new normal for CeCee, she's not going to tell me obviously. She can't even give a straight "yes" or "no" answer, she only answer what she thinks you want her to answer. Nobody in this god damn family gives a straight answer, not even the autistic. Bree and I are trying to be honest with eachother. I will lie for no reason, it feels pathological. Bree asked me what I did this past weekend and I said I went to the movies with friends when I actually went to dinner with friends.

There is no reason for me to lie but I do. I steer conversation away from my favorites to other subjects that doesn't interest me because I feel that by revealing what is my favorite then I'm revealing opportunities for others to make fun of me. When Philip Hoffman died, Bree mentioned to me that an actor tweeted calling Hoffman's OD a stupid and senseless death, which she agreed. I told her the actor is from the show Supernatural and immediately I talked about another actor, LeVar of Star Trek, who tweeted that if he died like Hoffman did, please put on his pants. Kinda of insensitive but I admit I laughed, and so did Bree. The thing is that I didn't want Bree to know I'm a fan of the Supernatural actor, but why? Bree thought his tweet was right but I steered the conversation to another actor that I don't particularly care about. Bree never made fun of me, our mom did though and sometimes I wonder if subconsciously I view Bree as Mom's extension because Mom latched onto her so hard for the first 18 years.

March is coming and with it the annual thief. Maybe it's time to see my therapist again.
02 January 2014 @ 10:45 am
Lately I've been privatizing alot of my journal entries, as I'm not real proud of my icky thoughts and feelings. When I read back my non-private entries, I realized it's been more of the same, my round and round of anger at my mom and brother-in-law and general giving up on my autistic sister and stopped engaging with her, though I have not stop caring and providing for her.

In my lowest of low days I feel that CeCee is a parasite, always taking and never reciprocating. But because of her disability, she is "allowed" to be selfish and self centered. I've always thought this is what my mom and dad envied, that they want o be selfish and self centered without consequences and instead receive endless bounty of servitude, admiration, and love.

I've wallowed in this long enough. Here to 2014 of positive changes in myself.